Gobble, Gobble, Go to...

Disclaimer: All cynicism and sardonic commentary in this blog were made purely in the holiday spirit of wit and dry sarcastic humor, like Santa Claus getting stuck in the chimney, or grandma getting run over by a reindeer, or a Thanksgiving turkey's futile plea for his life with a cheap painted cardboard sign that reads "Pleese dont Eet Me". In all these things we can find humor and joy, despite their tragic undertones. Thank you and enjoy your holidays.

2nd Disclaimer: No Santa Clauses, Grandmas or Turkeys were injured in the making of this blog. That's probably more than you all can say for YOUR Thanksgivings, Isn't it?!
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Thanksgiving in Korea:

So while all of you ooey-gooey sentimentalists were gathering together with your loved ones (or "tolerated ones" as I call them) and exchanging awkward hugs and crusty pumpkin pies and yams with those ridiculous itty-bitty marshmallows, I was having myself a fairly mundane Thursday here in Korea. So take that, all you Ameri-centric celebrants in your funny buckle hats!!

I'll tell you what I'M thankful for! I'm thankful that I avoided all those ethnically insensitive cartoons of the "Noble Native American" sharing his agricultural knowledge with those equally offensive images of the simpleton pilgrims and their ridiculous knee-socks!

I'm thankful I didn't have to endure the annual poultry genocide our country wages every year, shamefully veiled as a patriotic glorification of what, really?! Our impressive ability to create 5 story Garfield balloons and parade them down a major shopping boulevard? Our amazing gastronomic capacity that has already been recognized and ridiculed by every other global society? Or perhaps we are congratulating ourselves on our creativity in turning dried gords and expired produce into table decorations. A proud tradition.

I'm thankful I didn't have to smile, chew twice, and swallow through another sample of rhubarb pie- I'm mean what the HELL IS rhubarb anyway? I'm sure it wasn't one of the things the Native Americans brought to the table on the first Thanksgiving! Oh no, that was All the Pilgrims doing- they're responsible for the root based dessert. That's what you get for trying to survive a winter by foraging for nuts and berries.

I'm thankful I didn't have to stutter through the mispronunciation of "conicup-..., copicorn-... Horn 'o Plenty" or watch elementary school kids do crappy paperbag re-enactments of the Mayflower voyage and sing songs with lyrics like "Have a Gobble, gobble, Good Turkey Day"

And I'm certainly thankful I didn't have to listen to that disgusting squelching sound of cranberry sauce as it slowly oozes out of the can in one solid quivering mass, holding the form of the ribbed tin until it is properly mashed into an unsavory blob.

No, there was no red goo, nor dried gords adorning my Thanksgiving table. Here, Thanksgiving dinner included some fish and rice, a heaping portion of Kimchi, which is a cabbage that has been fermented in a hole in the ground for several weeks, then covered in chilies and a very spicy anchovy oil....mmmmm nothing says holidays like fermented cabbage.

So Happy Holidays to all of you and I hope that indigestion and bloating doesn't last until Christmas.
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ok seriously, I love and miss you all, and I wished really bad that I could have been there, but I'm coping with my separation anxiety through evasive and caustic humor...but really: love you, doing great, don't send prozac or any other anti-depressants...unless those anti-depressants happen to be Banana Runts and Juicy-pear JellyBellies !